normal-horoscopes:

Aries: You are not the true lord of the dance. Perhaps a duke or an earl of the dance. Not quite a lord though.

Taurus: Capsaicin is a plants way of telling you to fuck off but you keep eating anyway you rascal you.

Gemini: The stars say it is time to spin around in circles a lot.

Cancer: Daily vitamin supplements reduce the risk of colon cancer but vastly increase the risk of vitamin poisoning.

Leo: Tackle your problems head-on, become famous for headbutting things in your way with incredible force.

Virgo: Ward off evil spirits by duct taping several baseball bats to a ceiling fan.

Libra: As you walk through the garden you will be struck with inspiration and a small bird.

Scorpio: Put your money where your mouth is. Your teeth will keep better care of it than any bank would.

Ophiuchus: The captain always goes down with the ship. Every sunken vessel has a captain waiting to return to duty.

Sagittarius: Be yourself unabashedly. If someone calls you a dick, take a moment to see if you are in fact being a dick, otherwise just carry on.

Capricorn: Learn to garden, it calms the nerves, and can produce the ingredients for neurotoxins.

Aquarius: Moderation is for monks. Ever met a monk, theyre pretty chill.

Pisces: The night is a serpent, but a cute one with a puppy mouth like a ball python.